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Kevin's Exploration of Normality

19th October, 2011. 9:05 pm. Just thought I'd add...

Wow... read through the past ten years of of posting... It's been a long journey.

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3rd July, 2007. 4:30 pm. Personal Expo Wrapup

I almost feel like I am one of the few who was prepared for the unavoidable Expo drama =) And we enough drama to fill an ocean. Somehow I came out of it on the plus side, meaning I had more fun than the drama could destroy. Shoot, even the drama had its entertainment value, and I don't mean that as an insult to anyone. I have to look at these things as amusing or I go insane. Strangely enough, however, I do not have the con withdrawal I had after Anizona. Anizona may have sucked raw, but there was literally no drama.

The major drama, for me, is the miscommunication. He said she said they said, or no one said anything. It almost cost me dearly in friendship, and then caused a major internal conflict about trust. I say internal because it made me reflect on my own trust "issues". How to best describe this...

There were two relatively new people in the group this year, neither of which I really know. The first is quiet and has a few eccentric oddities. The second is loud and crude, and definitely likes to push my moral buttons. Because I am more similar to the first, I naturally placed more trust in the first. This also caused me to overlook the rest of the groups' opinions on the person. Meanwhile, the loud individual's personality continually clashed with mine, which led me to trust them less. At this point, any contest between the two I would naturally place my trust in the first and not the second. I made a mistake here, I should have taken into account the rest of the groups' opinions. However, the miscommunication comes in at the end of the trip, when the second individual reveals to me actual evidence of a crime within the group. If they had informed me of this earlier, a lot of pain could have been avoided.

This may all sound horrid, but, again, the trip was very good overall. My costume worked out great! Me and Sherri (My adopted sister!) struck poses for hundreds of cameras and even nabbed an interview with coin-op.tv. Of course I also flew solo for a bit after Sherri's feet finally caved to blisters. Managed to get a couple small magazine shots and somehow MTV managed to grab some footage, enough for me to need to sign a release form.

Even the non-costume events were great. I must've walked the vendor room 20 times with a variety of people on the trip. I picked up the manga I was looking for, had some nice meals, and laughed a whole lot. I also stayed out late every night, wanting to enjoy as much of the Con experience as possible. That might be why I missed a lot of the drama as well until it hit a head =)

I do have one regret! I didn't have the opportunity to drink around Con late with Steve and Rand =) I had saved money for that! Silly people always pooping out early. Major props to Jamie and Leah, I spent more time with them than anyone this weekend!

Current mood: cheerful.

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26th June, 2007. 10:32 pm. Uncompleteness!

So I lost four good weeks of preparation for Expo. Despite this, I almost have a complete costume. Almost, except for the major piece. My sword is not finished! So tonight when I realized there was no way I would be able to complete the detailing, I thought up a plan so I could hide the unfinished part and still be able to take the sword!

The blade and the handle are done. The center, the part with all the tricky cuts, is only, say, 25% complete. If I had two more days I could complete it, it's just that damned center part of the blade. I can't cut it directly because I'd have to hack off two of the orbs. I thought about hacking them and then gluing them back on after, but then I found another way. That way, however, was taking me about 5 minutes per cut out of a needed 20 or so cuts. Then I'd have to find a way to complete the cuts needed to sphere the orbs. It's like a huge math problem! The sanding would take a few hours as well, since there are many small areas I'd have to get into.

Tomorrow I will do a little more sanding since the cut gave me a bit more time. I want the part that is done to sparkle. Then I will seal it, paint it, then seal it again. The center I am going to wrap in the medium length fur! It keeps it rugged and appealing while hiding the ickies. Then after Expo, being able to relax, I will finish the last bits of it.

Current mood: chipper.

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9th June, 2007. 10:27 pm. Summer of woe!

The school year ends, and I happily settle into summer. Two days later, I am assailed by the first of two major gallbladder attacks. Leah's Mom surprised me when she told me the only pain comparable to a gallbladder attack is a heart attack. At least I know a decent pain threshold now.

Last year brother Jason went through a serious gallbladder infection, and I heard all sorts of horror stories about how the doctors couldn't decide what was wrong or what to do. Meanwhile, his body started absorbing all the pain meds until, finally, he found someone willing to operate. Watching him in his agony, I hoped never to experience anything like that. Irony! Luckily my doctors all agree on the problem and solution. On Thursday I am getting it removed.

I blamed my first attack on a weekend of high-fat foods. I went to the emergency room, they plugged me full of morphine, and a few hours later sent me on my marry way with a note saying I should return if it happens again within two weeks. The pain from the first attack subsided within 24 hours, and I was even able to lift weights again after only a day of rest. Then, exactly 14 days later, to the hour even, the second attack came. This time there wasn't an excess of fat in my diet. I wasn't too concerned about it, because I had Percocet! I took 1... nothing. I took another... nothing. I took two more... nothing. I took two more... nothing. I now had six in my body, three times the prescribed limit. Yes, we do silly things when our minds are mush. I went to the emergency room again, and this time the doctor wanted to schedule the removal immediately. Perhaps I should have done so!

I am at the two week mark again tomorrow, and unlike the first attack, the pain still hasn't subsided. I assume there is an infection. This week I've been attending classes, being sure to keep my activity level low. Then I decided to go to club meetings and an Anizona meeting. I was feeling pretty good from Tuesday on, almost normal even. Well, being up and about and active totally drained me. It all culminated again today at the Anizona meeting, and I am certain at this moment I am still experiencing another mild attack. Mild because the pain comes and goes. My diet these past couple weeks has been Zero fat. Well, the doctors told me that eliminating fat is good, but no garentee on preventing an attack.

You know what I am thinking now? Maybe I should have listened to Sherri and stayed home =) I am torn by responsibility and the need for some social interaction. Responsibility: I want to do my best to be sure OU will be a success. Social: I want to be with friends.

One thing I don't worry about is the club. I love you guys =)

So, I will shift responsibility to my health. OU will survive a few more weeks. My expected date of recovery is: July 7th. You may notice this is after Expo, but don't worry. I am still going, and I will still have my costume done!

Current mood: groggy.

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14th May, 2007. 12:04 pm. Sleeeeepy!

I don't get his way often, only when I am deprived of sleep. I am blessed in this, it doesn't happen often! So what kept me up you are thinking about asking? Pain, endless and debilitating.

For Mother's Day we invited my sister up to do her famous Lasagna. It has two layers of cheese, cottage cheese, oil, sausage, and beef. That is, like, greasy times 2103. Well, so happens my family has a history with gallbladder problems, and I've experienced this before.

A brief gallbladder lesson! Our body can't break down fats the same way it does sugars. To do so, the gallbladder secretes bile to emulsify the fat and slowly break it down. But! Gallbladders can't get rid of waste that finds its way inside. Just like a clam making pearls, the gallbladder forms stones. These stones interrupt the flow of bile, which is insanely painful. This is why some people have their gallbladder removed.

Well, beginning of next year mine will be removed.

So, I have no medical insurance. I entered the emergency room this morning knowing I'd have to give my first born in payment. Well, the service was great! They had me in a room in 30 minutes, had me drugged, of which I required 3x the morphine dosage of normal. After all was said and done, they let me know that since they are a non-profit hospital, if you are uinsured and pay your bill in full before 14 days pass, you get 75% off the bill. 75% !??!?! That is how they qualify non-profit: charity.

So Expo is still on for me! Honestly, I would have gone even if I had to pay the 5 grand.

On a side note, I wrote all that while drugged. Percocet.

Current mood: sleepy.

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2nd May, 2007. 5:23 pm. She responded! <3

She told me she chose not to date until after college! Now, I could look at this all negative and get all depressed or whatever, or I could be me and be eternally optimistic. I like that more =)

Out of everything I am doing right now, the only thing that caused me any sort of stress is not having any resolution to that question. Now that the question is answered, and things are back to normal, I am extremely relieved. Everything else in my life is fairly controllable, so even if I do have 2973829 things on the docket, it's not so stressful.

However, this does all raise another question in my ever-wandering thoughts. I pursue things out of passion. I pursued her out of passion. If she is calm enough to remain steady facing that, then perhaps she doesn't share that passion. That could mean no spark, no chemistry, and thus no future.

How can I think this and stay optimistic? It helps me move on. I can't wait two or more years for something that may not happen.

Current mood: chipper.

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30th April, 2007. 12:34 am. So yeah.

You might think I've been gone for X number of years. In reality, I never stopped posting. I moved to Blogspot for a while, did some funny stuff there. Then I moved to MySpace. How'd I end up back here again? Everything in cycles! That's a popular theme for me. In truth, I like the ease of use and customization here more.

Over the years I've used "Strange" and "Odd" and the like, but I am slowly finding I have everything in common with everyone, amplified. I kinda knew this the whole time, but pretending to be odd helped me maintain my isolation. That doesn't mean I'm not odd in the general sense: I still say random things, think even more random ones, and write about the strangest ones sometimes. I kinda changed that last part from "Odd" to "Abstract" though.

Why the change? Well, I don't have so much a problem with discussing my life anymore. If you look back in this journal, I did that often, talking about my dreams and events back in Nebraska so long ago now. When I moved to BlogSpot, I disassociated myself. That's the whole cycle thing coming back again. I tended to reveal things about my life in abstractions, which everyone read but no one understood, since I kept the meanings to myself. How does that help me if my friends don't know what's in my head?

So, in that spirit, I've had a tough weekend. I'll freely admit I am quite a bit more emotional than most men. I may not ball at the sad arts of movies, but I do choke up and water. I do have some testosterone left. And I lift weights. *defends manhood* So, my tough weekend. I am mesmerized by this young woman I met a few months ago. Whenever I am around her, I feel completely comfortable. When I am not near her, I long to be. She knows I have some kind of feelings for her. How can she not, since I've very literally admitted them. At the very point where I think I could be pushing her away, she brings me back. Now, this could be because she has very few close friends, something I can relate to. Whenever I try bringing up anything serious, as I am normally an insanely witty and sarcastic conversationalist, there is an awkward moment. Then I stumble.

No, she isn't an evil genius tormenting me. I think it's a lot of miscommunication or misinterpretation. There may also be something about her, from her past, which would explain the oddness. Either case, I have no idea what is running around in her head. It's this grand mystery.

*zzzzzzzzz*

Current mood: giddy.

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15th May, 2004. 10:30 pm. Status on other things

Yes, status. My left mind is quite in charge right now. You know, I think two years ago the two sides actually got along. Now both sides are immensely amused at the whole situation.

Over the past two years the number of story ideas saved on my computer has tripled. I still have not worked on any of them, pretty much decided to save that for my later years. I still have my dreams, though I don't write them down. Who knows, if this writing inspiration continues maybe some will reach text of some kind. I can still release myself from whatever in a breath.

I always wondered... You find yourself spiritually, bask in enlightenment, raise an eyebrow to the world. After you accoplish this, what next? You'd assume you'd remain in this glorious state of peace for the remainder of your natural life. After having lived it for three years, I can say this is a half truth. You are in that same state of peace, but, like many things, the initial drunken bliss has apparently evaporated. This is now a part of my life.

Oh my. That wasn't very left sided. Perhaps writing again will restore some balance!

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15th May, 2004. 10:03 pm. What, what is this?!?

Remember those phases I go through where I don't feel like writing? I had one, and it lasted a couple years it seems. So much personal, mental and spiritual growth can happen in two years. How about you? Have you grown since my last journal update?

I gave my natural cycles a name, Flux. They occur more frequent now than two years ago, giving me plenty of time to study their causes and eventual dismissal. I am convinced my mind fights a war with itself, and given the exponential growth of the Flux periods I would say one side is gaining an advantage.

What exactly is Flux? While in flux I have my clearest abstract thoughts, am wholy disconnected from the world, and wish only to lose the control I have gained over everything. While this sounds positive, my thoughts in this state tend to be negative, thus the lack of desire for social contact, including writing.

These periods tend to end after a good night's sleep. I wake in the morning and re-assess the musings of the previous night and convince myself I was full of shit. This is the side of my mind that wants control. This control isn't a bad thing, as all I desire is control over myself. In learning the various designs of control I have learned to identify it in the world at large. This control has brought peace and balance to my world.

Yet I am constantly at odds with myself over which I prefer: Control or loss of Control. You may be familiar with the left VS right brain concept. Those are my two warring halves. Taking bets on the winner!

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29th October, 2002. 9:19 pm. Flies wake up at 7:30am

For the past three nights I have been watching my Father's house, still got 4 or more to go. I found myself a strange natural alarm clock, a fly. It might not be the same one, I have killed about 8 since I've been here.

7:30 on the nose, a fly will start flying around and trying to land on my face. Of course the most annoying bug in the world is going to get me up, and unless I can kill them all I don't see the point in going back to sleep.

So when do flies go to sleep? In the later hours of the day, I spy flies hanging out motionless on the ceiling in no specific place. They don't move, far from their annoying day habits. Perhaps they need a certain amount of light to see enough to be annoying?

Oh, and my gosh where have I been! One of my natural phases, I lost interest in writing...stuff. I garentee it will happen again!

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